My goal for 2013 is to look back at the year and think my God, that was a great year.
Because at the end of 2011 and 2012 I’ve just wanted to cry when thinking about how hard they’ve been – or should I say – how challenging.
I’ve been pushed to my breaking point so many times I’ve lost track. I’ve been up, then too up, then down, then kicked, got back up, got pushed down again, then kicked again and so on and so forth.
Down: I went to Reno/Tahoe for my mom’s 70th birthday. The baby slept no longer than 2 hours the entire trip and we had to leave early because Reno was on fire. I was absolutely out of my mind from the sleep deprivation.
Up: Baby started sleeping through the night after doing sleep training.
Down: On my way back home from a visit with my wrist surgeon, I was rear-ended. My back and neck were injured.
Down: My in-laws treated us to our favorite spa for a much-needed vacation. I came down with bronchitis the first day of the trip and was sick for over a month.
Down: My 6-month old son had facial surgery. He faired well, it was just so scary to have my 6-month old baby go under, especially when still getting over postpartum issues.
Up: I went to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio. It was my first writer’s conference, courtesy of my amazing husband. It was nothing short of magical.
Up: BeePea.com was born!
Up: My first WebMD post went live.
Down: Depressed on my first Mother’s Day, I asked myself if I was “Mom Enough.”
Up: “Bipolar Motherhood…” was the most popular post I’ve had to date.
Up: Husband and I celebrated our 9th anniversary.
Up, down & all around: I worked and worked and worked.
Up, down & all around: I worked and drove and worked and drove and stressed and worked some more. From daycare in Reseda, to clients in Canoga Park, Pasadena and Silver Lake, I drove as much as I worked.
Up: I went to BlogHer in New York with one of my favorite girlfriends.
Up, down & all around: My favorite client went solo which created a lot more work for me. Another client stiffed me for over a month of work.
Up, down & all around: We ended the month with a 10-day trip to visit family in 2 different states to celebrate my son’s first birthday. Baby got croup, but we also had some really fun days.
Up: I went to my first yoga retreat and had my chakras aligned through sound for the first time. I was stable for 3 weeks after that retreat – the longest I’d been stable since pregnancy. This was the first real hope I experienced in 2012.
Up: All my other clients went away and I was able to focus on my favorite client and drive waaaaay less.
Up: I was on Parental Discretion with Stefanie Wilder-Taylor.
Up: I started a standup comedy class.
Down: I sunk into another really bad depression.
Up: I blogged every single day!
Down: I hit a depression that felt just like the one I was in when I went to the psych ward.
Up: I got really, really mad.
Down: I quit the standup comedy class because I was too unstable.
Up: I decided to live my life and treat my bipolar disorder on the natch (soon this will link to an awesome page explaining what that means). I started exercising daily.
Down: I got sick again and couldn’t exercise.
Up: So I started learning about food!
And here we are. It’s been up and down as usual. I’ve been living my new plan for about 6 weeks and have been physically well enough to keep up with the exercise half of that time. Out for 3 weeks with the first cold/flu and now out about 5 days with the latest sinus infection.
I’m officially off Wellbutrin and still on 3 psychiatric medications.
. . .
I’m looking forward to 2013… with some trepidation After the past 2 years of ups and downs, it’s hard to face a new year without a sense of fear. I used to believe that the good news about the bad times was that it couldn’t get much worse, but now I know there are no guarantees.
And I need to be realistic about considering an upcoming year withdrawing from several psych meds – I can’t imagine it’s going to be all puppies and rainbows, but at least I’ll be braced if I’m sideswiped.
. . .
I have a good life. Yes, I’ve had 2 challenging years, but there’s meaning behind them. I have a life full of purpose. I’m living my dream in many ways – I’m writing on a regular basis and you’re actually reading! AND I get to be of service to others with my writing – what could be better?
. . .
I’m here. Right now, I’m here. Right now, I’m struggling with fatigue, illness and depression, but I’m here. I’ve made a commitment to wellbeing and a commitment to not kill myself, no matter what happens.
Right now, I’m fighting. And I will keep on fighting to be well so I can be the mother my son deserves.
Happy New Year, sweet readers, I love you, thank you and I hope you all have awesome 2013′s!