I’m exhausted.

We flew to Dallas yesterday so the baby could see his grandparents. I stayed up 2 hours past my bedtime packing the night before, which is normal, but not for an afternoon flight.

The reason? I planned to do Crossfit before the flight so I wouldn’t have an episode. Being trapped in a cylinder breathing everyone’s air trying to keep a toddler quiet for 3 hours is a huge trigger for me so I knew I had to do things differently this time.

The plan was to be all packed the night before – which meant not only my stuff, but also that baby’s – get to daycare by 8am, Crossfit at 8:30, get ready at the gym, pick up Bebe at 10:30 and Husband at 11, get to LAX by noon and fly out at 2:15.

And I did all of it! I talked myself out of it 100 times – it wasn’t my favorite coaches class, I’d be too tired, too stressed, I’d have a mellow morning getting packed…

But I went. I did it. I worked hard in class, too, so hard my tummy felt sick for about 2 hours afterwards.

And then it happened. At LAX. The first craving. Diet Coke (DC). A chai latte. Cookies. Ice cream. Candy bars.

Because that’s what I do when I fly. It’s like a roadtrip in the sky. On my last long distance drive to Dallas I ate an entire box of Entenmann’s donuts in 2 days. That’s the worst I’ve ever done sugar-wise, but I was really, really sick still.

I felt like everywhere I turned there was temptation. It reminded me of my first year sober – that feeling of rawness and craving.

I got through the flight. It was my first air without a DC or gingerale probably ever. I got a soda water with lime to give me the fizzy I missed. Not a healthy choice, but not forbidden.

Forbidden? Refined sugar, dye, artificial sweetener, wheat, corn, caffeine besides green tea and anything deep fried.

And those choices have absolutely nothing to do with weight loss. This is for sanity. So every time I wanted that DC, I looked at it as a bottled episode. And I thought it through – I’d feel great for about 30 minutes, then crash hard, then need sugar for some more energy, rinse, repeat, rinse…. Crazy, crazy and more crazy coming my family’s way. No thanks.

We made it through the flight without any drama. The kid was awesome until we landed but who cares. Wheels were on the ground.

Thank God for portable DVD players.

We picked up dinner at a Mexican place on the way to my in-laws and I decided it cheat. I had 3 corn tortillas (veggie tacos) and they were amazing. It was a safe cheat because it wouldn’t spike my blood sugar insanely.

But did it help with the cravings? Or was it the pies and kisses and cakes everywhere I turned today? I mean, breakfast was at The Pancake House and let me tell you that I one of my weekend staples was French toast WITH powdered sugar thank you very much.

I had egg whites and potatoes and green tea with honey.

And those potatoes were awesome.

Then I went to Crossfit. In Dallas. At a gym where I knew no one. This was totally a new thing for me.

Husband and Baby watched our workout. There were like 15 people in the class! And the girls had makeup on and perfect bodies.

And I told the teacher I was new and I asked questions and wasn’t afraid of admitting I didn’t know what I was doing and I felt so great about myself the whole time!

Ends up the coach is one of the owners and he’s giving me 3 days AND a t-shirt for 20 bucks.

What whaaaat?!?

Did I mention there was a huge black lab in the class?

Yeah, it was pretty awesome.

And then I wanted sugar and a DC for most of the day.

And the kicker? Homemade mini chocolate mousse pies with whipped cream for dessert tonight at the Christmas party.

And the fridge full of DC. And crystal bowls full of kisses.

Ever-y-where.

Damn you sugar, damn you! Damn you aspertame and dye! Damn you exhaustion.

But I didn’t do it and I won’t. I want to be well. I know where that road will take me; I’ve been down it so many times.

And I don’t know where this road will lead, but I bet it’s a lot better than the old one.

And tonight I go to sleep with a clean body and a clear brain. Yeah, I’m willing to sacrifice misery for that!